Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
Thursday, January 28, 2010
- Pregnant men
- Jay Leno
- John Edwards (always)
- The mailroom guys at Villanova
- Nancy Pelosi (always)
- Heidi Montag (always)
- Toyota executives
- The man with the lizards in his pants
- Rachael Ray (always)
- Dennis Hopper
- Basketball players brandishing guns in the locker room
- The Restasis commercial ladies
- Nancy Grace
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Aquarius is at their best when surrounded by water. If you're looking toward Europe, the island of Ibiza off the coast of Spain is about as wet and jet-set as you can get. You'll love the island's beautiful beaches, world-renowned night life, and natural wonder. This is the place where you can live out your fantasies by mixing with the international beautiful people and still being able to get off on your own.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
For nature lovers, this season has brought the appearance of a special species, homo studentus universitatus, a.k.a. the college student on break.
This highly social creature, which travels in packs and leaves a trail of unwashed dishes, is apparently drawn to return every winter to its parental nest. Researchers speculate that it is attracted to large-screen TVs, down comforters and a ready supply of food.
The initial arrival of homo studentus in late December is heralded by the appearance of a large pile of dirty laundry. This is followed by other piles of shoes and clothes, as the denim-rumped primate marks its territory by covering all flat surfaces with its possessions. Within days, the floor of its den is nearly impassable, though interestingly, the creature itself seems not to notice.
It generally remains in its winter habitat through mid-January, displaying the characteristics that make it a particularly intriguing form of wildlife.
A nocturnal animal, homo studentus is rarely glimpsed before mid-afternoon. Observers are warned: Do not attempt to disturb it before it awakens, as it can become hostile.
Once it begins to stir, it generally moves slowly to the vicinity of a television and a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Again, do not approach it; at this point the creature appears to be unable to engage in conversation or even to hear sounds such as requests to walk the dog.
By late afternoon, however, homo studentus becomes fully conscious and begins to interact with other members of its species.
Homo studentus communicates largely by using its opposable thumbs for texting. The species' social structure is complex and communal. Individuals gather in collectives, similar to hives, with different individuals fulfilling specific roles. One may buy the beer; another may surf YouTube for funny videos of animals.
They will often congregate on sofas in family rooms, burrowing underneath fleece throws and blankets. The pack can grow so large and dense that it may be difficult to discern which feet belong to which body. Observers trying to track the populations are advised to count heads.
Homo studentus is an extremely intelligent species, judging by the creatures' GPAs, their verbal interactions and their speed with answers to "Jeopardy!" However, scientists are puzzled by their inability to fold blankets or put dishes into a dishwasher. It may be that their brains have evolved to specialize in such tasks as remembering lines from movies and applying to graduate school, to the detriment of those parts of the brain that are involved in such tasks as hanging clothes in a closet.
They appear to be cold-blooded, judging by the levels at which they set the thermostat. On the other hand, their preference for indoor heat may be a function of not paying for utilities.
Those who hope to observe this species closely can attract them by providing the right environment. Set out feeders, e.g. pizzas. Scatter indoor areas with pillows. Provide premium cable channels and potato chips. Stay out of sight and don't touch the remote.
You may not always see the creatures themselves, particularly if you sleep at night. Some people have gone days without seeing the examples of homo studentus that have taken up residence in their homes. Be patient, and look for signs: A profusion of hair-care products in your bathroom, perhaps, or tire tracks in the snow on your front lawn. Eventually, even the most elusive of the creatures will show themselves, if only to ask you to buy more Honey Nut Cheerios.
The rewards of the species' visit are substantial -- a window into a complex society, happy noise in a quiet house, an impressive library of funny animal videos and the way your credit card feels so vibrantly alive. Indeed, many wildlife watchers are reluctant to see the creatures depart, and abandon their roles as observers to hug and kiss the creatures.
But the homo studentus season is brief. No matter how much the creatures have enjoyed the family nest and the use of their own bathrooms, they will soon return to college. Nature lovers must put away their binoculars, turn down the thermostat and bide their time until spring migration.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
- Yele Haiti Earthquake Fund www.yele.org
- American Red Cross www.redcross.org
- Americares www.americares.org
- Mercy Corps donate.mercycorps.org
- Save the Children www.savethechildren.org
- World Vision www.worldvision.org
- Doctors Without Borders donate.doctorswithoutborders.org
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Today's Aquarius Horoscope:Jan 11, 2010
Whatever you want, Aquarius, you need only ask for it and there is a good chance you will get it. And it's about time, too. It seems you have been working exceptionally hard lately. You are certainly due for a raise, if not a promotion. Gather your thoughts, collect your supporting evidence, and ask for what you deserve. If your yen for more public recognition is nagging at you, then take steps today to ensure that you get more time in the spotlight.
Wouldn't this be great news if I only had a job???? At any rate, I'm going out there today! I hope everybody has a day like this!
Get your horoscope
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
- If Q-tips don't belong in your ears, then why were they invented?
- Really, this metabolism thing?
- No, really, where do you use a Q-tip?
- Is it normal to lose 150 hairs a day?
- Really. Does anybody use a Q-tip?
- Any other questions?