My Mommy at the Mall

She thinks we don't know about this.

But, hello?

The Mental P Calendar for 2009

Due to overwhelming requests, I give you my version of the blogger calendar. 

Those lesser bloggers with the dog, chicken and cow pictures have nothing on me.

JANUARY

Idiot.

FEBRUARY

Remember your Valentine.

MARCH

May the luck of the Irish be with you.

APRIL

Fool

MAY

Hug your Mama.

JUNE

Time to get ready for the beach.

Oh, and Happy Father's Day.

JULY

Time to take that bod to the beach.

AUGUST

Doing everything right.

SEPTEMBER

What else?

OCTOBER

Fest.

NOVEMBER

Finally cool.

DECEMBER

Cheers!

Eat!

Order yours today while supplies last!

Priceless.

   MentalPMama(at)aol.com

Sunday

When I shot this all I thought was how beautiful it was.

Then, all I could think of was HELEN.

I may need some help.

With many apologies to Simon and Garfunkel.

I am a rock.  I am a He-ee--eron.

I am a rock, I am Hell--lllen Mirren.

And a rock feels no pain;

And an island never cries.

Accountability

Okay my friends.  Today is the day.  The day we start treating ourselves a little bit nicer. Mkay? I plan on getting my old self back without a whole lot of deprivation.  Wanna play along?

Here's my deal.  I am fairly tall (5'9"), and have rarely had to watch my weight.  Now there was that minor detour of a twin pregnancy where I may or may not have gained 90 pounds.  But that is all behind us now, and it was well worth it.   

 I think.

Anyway, year 40 was okay, not a big change, but when I quit smoking for good at 42, all bets were off.  I had smoked off and on for 20 years, with about ten years off during that span, but I  really decided that I wanted to stick around.  So I quit.  And if you smoke, you should think about making a serious effort to do the same.  It is bad for you, in case you didn't know.  But I digress.  So when I quit smoking, I started the South Beach Diet the next day.  It was great because my biggest smoking trigger was cocktail hour, and on the first few weeks of South Beach, you don't have cocktail hour.  Well you do have a five o'clock hour, but it is a seltzer, with a lime if you want to jazz it up.

I actually lost several pounds right after I quit smoking on this regime, but at about the age of 45, my metabolism just stopped.  Dead in its tracks.  I am 48 now, and do not want to enter the next phase of my life with sugar, blood pressure or heart issues.  All of which can happen even if you are just 20 pounds heavier than you should be (that would be moi).  At least that's what Dr. Oz tells us, and I think he is just the smartest guy out there.  And he's cute, too! That motivates me.

So, here's what I offer up this week:  No deprivation...unless you want to cut out one vice.  For me, that will be my wine (it's my sugar).  Whine.  I may have a toast for Annie's birthday on Wednesday, but not overindulge.  I sometimes do that.  Overindulge.  So the wine is out for a while.  What I want to focus on is adding more good things.

Here's what I'm adding this week:

• More water (double the intake every day)
• More exercise (at least an hour a day--and you don't have to do it all at once)
• More food in its natural state and nothing prepared (no Triscuits, Wheat Thins...)
• Take my calcium every day (I don't always)

I am purposely not setting too many goals because I want to end this week feeling like I did what I said I was going to do.  You know: Walk The Walk.

I am going to post some of my activities on my Twitter, and you can see it on the right side of this post.  Better yet, get yourself a Twitter account (Free!) and do your own twittering.  It is fun, and slightly addictive at times.  Any way, I think I will update my progress here on Mondays, and hope you will all try to add something good to your day.  I really enjoy your company, and I look forward to growing old and wise with you all!  What will you do?

xoxo, Mental Mama

Things That Kept Me Awake Last Night

Why do we need Jet Dry nowadays?  My mother never had to use the stuff, but if I don't use it, my dishes come out all wet.

What ever happened to that Biosphere thing?

When did I go from a tall drink of water to a big gulp?

Am I the only person on the planet who doesn't watch American Idol?

Does anyone think a man invented the mammogram machine? Or a woman?

Is it wrong to keep shooing the ducks away?

Like Spoons Through a Garbage Disposal

So are the days of our lives...

Random thoughts at 2:48 am:

When do these weird waking times cease?

When will all this dreadful puffiness from my latest visit to the dermatologist subside?

Does my sleeping dog sound like she has apnea?

Are there clinics for dogs with sleep apnea?

When will our local nursery start getting plants?

Were J-Lo's twins really a natural occurrence?

How much does silver go for nowadays?

Where is my Advil PM?

Sometimes We Need a Little Music Therapy

Silly Saturday fun.

Apologies to William Blake (and Keats)

Ode to My Menopot

Belly, belly in broad daylight.

In my jeans oh so tight.

Who dare defy thy gravity?

My butt, my thighs, my abs and me.

The above gals are not anyone I know. Unfortunately. They seem like they might be a fun addition to Cocktail Corner.

%$#&*#@@

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
So what if I don't actually have ten. You want to make something out of it?

I am on a college road trip this week with my baby bird. The list could be much longer after our experiences on the road together, but I'll spare you. You can thank me later.

Thought for the day

Of all the things I've lost, it's my mind I miss the most.

Big night in Cocktail Corner. Must rest now.

Chonda Pierce for President

Menopause Parking...Why Didn't I Think of This?

I like this lady. Lots.

A Cure for Hot Flashes

When you are seasick, nothing else bothers you.

Weight Loss Gimmick # 1,670,396

This concoction is called Sassy Water. Cucumber and lemon slices, spearmint leaves and fresh grated ginger. You mix it all with water and let it marinate overnight. Then you drink it and waste away to nothing. Or maybe, just maybe be able to zip up fat jeans.

I'm wondering what it would taste like with a little rum.

Mental Pausing

Yesterday, Dr. Christiane Northrup was on Oprah, and if you ladies of a certain age don't have her book, The Wisdom of Menopause, you should get it. I love this woman. She gives me hope. According to her, a low glycemic diet is pretty much the cure for everything that ails me. I tried that way of eating for a while. It is no fun. You can't live in Cocktail Corner and stick to it for too long.

But the thing about Dr. Northrup is that she makes me believe that I can manage myself. So I believe I'll give her advice another shot. Yessiree, it's low glycemic foods, vitamin D, chi gong and some acupuncture for me, and I'll be all fixed up. At least for a while. But I think I'll wait until after my surprise party. I don't want my friends to have to celebrate without me. I'm just nice that way.

Fun at the Gym With Lucia

I don't keep it a secret that I'd like to be able to just take a little pill and be able to build, or even maintain, some muscle and bone mass these days. Since that isn't available, I get to visit my friends at the gym on a fairly regular basis.

Here's a taste of what I have to endure:

John, Andrew and Anthony are all great trainers at my gym. They always seem to have a lot of fun with their clients. Giggling through all their routines, smiling and chatting with everyone around them. I am always so envious. Forever looking longingly across the floor at all the happy people. Why am I so jealous, you ask? Well, it's all because I get to spend my time with Lucia.

Just look at her. Have you ever seen such a menacing person in your life? She makes me do things I don't like to do. Lunges, squats, crunches, and all kinds of other weird things with weights and bars. And I am always such a good sport. Never moaning, complaining or making faces. Nope, I silently and obediently do everything she comes up with. Everything. You'd think I'd look like Gisele Bundchen. But I don't. Although I do take some solace in the fact that Gisele has probably not entered into the mental pausal years yet.

Anyway, when I am not sweating away with all the torture--I mean exercise--that Lucia has created for me, I like to keep my eye on the clock. Just because you never know how fast that hour is going to go. And then I get to start my cardio time. It doesn't look like it's going to get any easier either. But if anyone hears of a new magic pill without any embarassing side effects, please pass the information along.

I'll See You in the Funnies

I've always thought that the comics pages in the newspaper got a bum rap. I mean, if you think about it, there can be some absolute truths snuggled in those little boxes. Take For Better or For Worse. I have followed the lives of the Patterson family for a long time, and, well, I'm beginning to relate a little too much to them. Take today's strip for instance. Elly, girlfriend, I feel your pain. And if my husband ever pulled a "John" on me, he'd live to regret it. Seriously.

On a lighter note, we were supposed to have a foot of snow last night. I spent a good portion of the day yesterday in a dreamy preparation for a snow day. We got a dusting. I'm still taking a snow day though, and I think I'll start by cancelling my appointment at the gym.

Random Maintenance Thoughts

I was recently thinking about making some changes in my Will. (Don't worry dear family, all is well, and I still love you all just the same. I just think I should plan for any possible scenario.)

Like, what about my becoming incapacitated during this crucial "middle" phase? I mean, I have never had so many 'interesting' things going on with my body since puberty. And I sometimes think that era may have been easier in some ways.

Crucial items I will put into my "Mental Pause Clause" section of my Will, should my attorney allow it:

• Eye Cream must be applied daily, or my skin will fall off.
• Same goes with Vitamin C serum and moisturizer.
• Exfoliate once a week, or I will become unrecognizable.
• Extra strength deoderant. 'Nough said.
• Tweezer time as needed. Usually twice a day. Maybe more.

Only designated friends are allowed to perform these feats, and I'm sure I will be adding codicils as the months wear on.

Greetings

Welcome to my blog. I am a middle-aged mama attempting to negotiate my daily life and what lies ahead. Sigh. Please join me as I try to maintain my equilibrium with the help of my family and friends, and maybe a few strangers just for good measure.