Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Semi Wordless Wednesday

Here is Squazz's Bedside Table:

Here is Mental Mama's:

Meds and Moisturizers.
Don't I live large?
Wonder how big they make bedside tables in the Assisted Living Place?
Anybody else care to come clean?

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Codependent Computer Mama

I got an Apple MacBook about a month ago.  I still have an hp desktop that I use as well.  I switch between the two of them all day long. (I work from home arranging online content partnerships.)  Many of you have asked me how I like the new computer; I am really enjoying the Apple, and cannot tout it's graphics and fun-ness enough.  But I still like my PC.  Sigh.  I don't see me being a one-or-the-other person any time soon.

Please don't tell me how messy my desk is.  I know it.  And, no, I don't smoke.  The lighter is for my candles.  Sorry Asthmagirl; I like to have candles burning on my desk on gloomy days.
Aren't those heart-shaped post-it notes cute?
And I found the Spearmint Altoids when I cleaned my closet.
It was almost as fun as finding a twenty dollar bill in my coat pocket.

This is the present view behind me in my office:

I bet you think my desk doesn't look so bad now.  Do you?
Since it's behind me, I don't dwell on it so much.

In an effort to avoid aforementioned office, I cleaned Augie's closet yesterday.
He was at school at the time.
Now his closet is very clean.

Um, son, you need to take the boutonniere off your tux before it gets shoved in the closet.

I think I've had enough of the closet madness in this house.
Time for office cleaning.
Has spring-cleaning fever hit anyone else out there?

Monday, April 28, 2008

Mama in the Closet

I spent most of the day yesterday in my closet.  Cleaning and switching my winter clothes for my summer clothes.  I am very lucky to have a spare closet in our guest room where I can put my off-season togs.  In addition to the old switch-a-roo, I got rid of things that I have not worn, or things I did but, honestly, should not have worn in the last 6 months...

If anybody out there has a size 10 shoe and sees anything they want, let me know...
Those cow print clogs (third from the left) are among my favorites, but I tend to sound like a cow when I am sporting them.  

And since I am now the size of a cow, I do not need to sound like one too.

My closet hasn't looked this good in quite a while.
It's really too bad that most of my warm weather clothes are too small for my present size, but I am working on that.  At least my shoe size has always remained the same.  Did I mention I'm a size 10?
I prefer summer shoes to winter shoes hands down.
I also like to strap festive colors onto my size 10 feet.
Except for these dark puppies.
I like these.
These are my motorcycle boots. Size 10.
Sometimes Squazz takes me out for a nice Sunday ride.
I like to go when the ambient temperature is between 74.5 and 77 degrees.
I am not kidding; you should ask Squazz.
As a result, I don't get asked very often.
But I really don't like being either too cold or too hot.
Kinda like a big-footed Goldilocks.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Lost Bunny

``NOW, my dears,'' said old 
Mrs. Rabbit one morning, 
``you may go into the fields 
or down the lane, but don't go 
into Mr. McGregor's garden: 
your Father had an accident 
there; he was put in a pie by 
Mrs. McGregor.'' 
This poor baby was alone by our front porch last week.  The next morning, it was gone.  I hope it's mommy came for it.  And not Mr. McGregor.  Plus, I am also thinking about Watership Down, and that worries me too.  You'd think I have enough to fret about with two teenagers.  Gah.

Sunday Gold

As I look out the window, in early morning,
I spy many birds, some just born,
They come in many colors and sizes,
Some rather ugly, some may win prizes,
One of the prettiest that I have seen,
Is a Goldfinch with a golden sheen
The wings and the tail are as black as coal,
The rest is gold, a friendly soul,
When perched on a feeder, it eats all day,
When perched on a limb, it sings away,
What a dreadful world this would be,
If not a single bird or Goldfinch we'd see,
The world would be quiet all day long,
As it would be void of any bird or song,
There's nothing nicer in this world to me,
As to spy a spot of gold, and find a Goldfinch in my tree,
Then to hear it sing, loud and long,
And know it will come back all Summer long.

By Megan

Bloomsburg, PA
Grade 7

Photo By: Mental Mama
Grade: 20,789
Place: Her favorite cherry tree

Saturday, April 26, 2008

SAT Words From the Mental Mama

Choose the best word to complete the following sentences.

(With apologies to my children; it's been a long year.)

1.  Do not be fearful of a(n) _____.Enema/Enemy

2.  People always notice when you have a cute little_______.Butt/Mutt

3.  Online chatting makes it easy to ________.Love/Rove

4.  Cleopatra's biggest problem was her ______.Ass/Asp

5.  At the end of a day, all I need to find is my own ______.Car/Bar

6.  After that, the only thing on my mind is: _______.Spouse/Souse


Friday, April 25, 2008

The Power of the Collective

Springtime is the time of hope and renewal.
Sometimes in the face of all that is wonderful, we have our hardest times.
This week has been a heavy one for many of our bloggy buddies:

Hallie's husband John has endured yet another painful surgery.  While her baby boy, Shmoops, is in the Air Force,  stationed in Florida, and unable to come home.

Debbie in North Carolina is also facing a farewell to her own beautiful baby boy who is a Marine and likely on his way to the Middle East.
OOPS: Debbie's Marine is due home from Iraq, and her Air Force son is the one who's leaving. Blessings to them all. MPM apologizes for the mixup.

Meg still doesn't know what sent her to the hospital for several days.

My dear friend Jules' father had a massive stroke on Monday, while on a business trip, and faces much uncertainty.

Corey has left her family in France, and is over 80 days into her bedside vigil for her ailing father in California.

Laura~Peach has Coleman on all our minds.

Tammy and her baby Alley Cat are sorely in need of our good thoughts. 

On this beautiful day, I am going to take some time to count and embrace my blessings, and send positive thoughts and light to our friends.
I hope you will too, and please forgive me if I have left someone out.  

Thursday, April 24, 2008


Okay.  It's meme-time again.  I was planning on taking a meme sabbatical, but this one was fun to read, and I just so happened to have a few random-and-useless-to-anyone-but-you thoughts in my head appropriate for this little exercise.  Working Mom has done it this time.  You should do yourself a favor my dear reader, and pay her a visit.  She is quite funny (her masthead is worth the price of admission).  And also very caring.  My favorite combination in a person. 

The Rules:

a. Link to the person who tagged you.
b. Post the rules on your blog.
c. Write six random things about yourself.
d. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
e. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment at their blog.
f. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

And away we go:

1)  I am 5'9" in my bare feet, but I have profound scoliosis.  My doctors have told me that I would be close to 6' if my spine were straight.  As a result, I don't know which height to use to calculate my BMI. I generally use the 5'9" because I need the motivation to keep my head out of the Fritos.  And the wine rack.

2)  I cannot swallow pills.  Any size at all. The flavor of Advil kinda grows on you after a while.

3)  I believe in reincarnation.  In fact, I am pretty sure I know some of the characters I have been before.  Some are quite colorful.  More on that later.

4)  I actually embrace my age.  And I look forward to the future very much.  That being said,  I am not ruling out a little tweaking here and there.  More here than there.

5)  I am 37.

6)  I am normally a very honest person, but, um, I lied in #5.  I am 48.

There you go.  More fascinating details about me. Aren't you happy you asked me Working Mom?  By the way, I'm not tagging anyone, but would love to see more random details of everyone's lives.  I'd rather surf your blogs than do just about anything else. Really.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Words of Wisdom Wednesday

"Twenty-three is old. It's almost twenty-five, which is, like, almost mid-twenties."
- Jessica Simpson

I sure hope my children did their homework last night.
Augie?  Birdy?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Snipe Hunt Anyone?

Does anyone remember these?  When I was a teenager, we whippersnappers were always looking for some reason to go out into the wilds and look for the legend du jour.  In Tennessee, we had a lot of stuff to go in search of.  We had lots of local witch covens, and there were always the ghosts of Natchez Trace, but our favorite was...The Bell Witch.
If you have the time, take a few minutes and read about the Bell Witch.
Tammy, you may be particularly interested...this haunting is rumored to have inspired the Blair Witch Project.  At any rate, I grew up terrified by the thought of this spirit.
And writing about it has given me the chills right now.

 Augie recently asked me if he could go to a friend's house to go look for Melon Heads.

Apparently these descendants of the colonial witches are alive and well in the forests of Connecticut, Michigan and Ohio.  And they have these really big heads.  You have to go to a certain road called Dracula Drive and wait for them to come out of the woods.   Who knew there was all this fun to be had nearby?

Kids today, geesh.
Do I see a resemblance?

Oh, and Happy Earth Day everyone.
Tread lightly, please.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Warning: Low Estrogen Post

Why are we all in this handbasket, and does anybody feel it getting hot?

And on another note,  
The John Adams series on HBO ended last night.
As usual, I found the book better.
David McCullough has written some masterpieces.
In my opinion, many masterpieces.
should be your next reads if you haven't read them yet.

I love George, John, Thomas and Ben.
I have an active crush on them all. To this very day.

Flag pin?
You must be kidding me.
 $3.65 a gallon to fill my car yesterday.
My Wall Street friends are getting laid off in droves.
Other industries are following suit.
Big bank bailouts.
Roadside bombs.

Flag pin?
I miss George, John, Thomas and Ben.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


You will begin to touch heaven, Jonathan, in the moment that you touch perfect speed.  And that isn't flying a thousand miles an hour or a million, or flying at the speed of light.  Because any number is a limit, and perfection doesn't have limits.  
Perfect speed, my son, is being there.

--Jonathan Livingston Seagull
Richard Bach

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Prom Babies

It was another Prom Night last night here in Mental Land.
This time, it was the Baby Bird's prom.
So, we went back to the baby portraits for our photo op.
The Baby Bird.
I wish I could fit my big ol' mental self into her clothes.
I love this dress.
But I love her more!
And I am still so very thankful she is okay.
Augie was invited to her prom, too.
So we put him back in his monkey suit.
And trotted him out for more pics.
I mean, have you ever seen anyone so cooperative?
Their dates were just as adorable as they were, but I did not get permission from their parents to put their mugs out into the cyberworld, so you, dear reader, will have to use your imagination.

Then, after all the flurry and driving and many pre-prom gatherings, Mental Mama was all alone.  I do, unfortunately, confess to a little texting.  No one answered.

So I went to find my other baby, Dora.
She was having none of me either.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Beautiful Mommy

Remember that one?  One of my all time favorite books as a child was Are You My Mother by P.D. Eastman.   My poor mother must surely have dreaded reading it to us, but bless her heart, she did.  Daily.  Many times a day.

Anyway, for those of you out there looking for new children's books, there's a new one coming out just in time for Mother's Day.  A Florida plastic surgeon has written this special book that explains all the details of mommy's plastic surgery to the kids.  Yup.  Because our little ones don't have enough crap to think about already, we are going to fill their  heads with all the sordid details of our boob jobs and tummy tucks.   Check out this Newsweek article...

My Beautiful Mommy.    Hurry before they run out.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Ask Somebody's Mama

Dear Mental Mama,

I feel like life with my newly retired husband is either 100 mph or 0.  Some days, it is all great, and others it is just awful.  He can be so irritating.  What do you suggest?


Dear Whipped,

This happens to us all at some point, and all the new togetherness you now have is making it more apparent to you.  All relationships are fluid, and it is important to stay present and aware in all relational climates.  But I do hear you on the wide spectrum of feelings and moods.  And sometimes, it might be worthwhile to check in with an objective third party.  

It's always good to keep your friends around for the rough times.  For instance, last week, I had to pitch in and clear things up for my friend Jules' husband. Just because she needed the reinforcement. 

If  you, dear reader, have any burning questions, please write to, and ask away!  I am listening.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Tammy, Meg and Flea are the best!
I don't think I've ever had so much recognition in one month.
Such validation!
Such a big head I have!

Annie and Jules--these are your Birthday and Christmas presents for the coming year.  My generosity knows no bounds.   xoxo, Lauren

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Ides of April

Taxes Done?  Sort of.
Extension Filed?  Yes.

Office clean?

Road trip?
With Augie ... college visits!
More vicarious living for the Mental One.
I really don't want my babies to go anywhere, but since it is inevitable, I am going to commandeer this jacket when my baby boy goes off to school.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Thank You

Dear Nice Man Driving on the Parkway,

Thank you so very much for stopping to come to the aid of my little bird.  I honestly believe that the random kindnesses of strangers get most of us through our days, and you are no exception.  My little baby bird was blessed to have you traveling alongside her.  I thank you from the very bottom of my heart, and I only wish you were still there when I arrived so I could have given you my thanks in person.

Dear Sweet Miss A. and Miss L.,

Thank you both so much for spying your friend in distress on the side of a highway, and waiting with her.  I know you missed part of the big test, too, but this old Mental Mama is so grateful for your sweet, unselfish little souls.  Thank you, too, for the hugs.  I needed them.

Dear Connecticut State Trooper,

Thank you for your kindness, your patience, and your ability to drive a car with only three wheels. My daughter learned big lessons on mortality, responsibility and humility from you.  And I cannot thank you enough.

Dear Miss L. KC,

You and your wonderful family are always here for The Bird, Augie and all of us. When you showed up at our door with the wonderful flowers and all the cheer, it was the best remedy to a horrible morning.  You are an angel, and we love you.

Dear Insurance Company,

Please be patient with us, I promise we are not trying to bankrupt you.  It has been a dreadful month for our autos here in Mental's homeland, but we are doing our best to get our acts together.  

My car will be finished in a week.
We don't know about this one yet.

Dear Baby Bird,

I hope you know how lucky you were to literally walk away from this whole thing. You have only been driving a few months, and when I tell you to be careful, drive slow, and take your time, I'm not just talking to hear my own sweet, lovely voice.  If anything ever happened to you or your brother, I don't think I could survive it.  No, I know I couldn't survive it.  Please, please, please pay attention.  I love you, Mama

Dear God,

Thank you for the constant reminder that we are not alone.  As always, Lauren

Sunday, April 13, 2008


If I had to choose, I'd rather have birds than airplanes.
-Charles Lindbergh

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Does This Fat Make My Ass Look Big?

Did anyone watch Miss USA last night? I feel like it was another lifetime ago when I had anywhere close to a figure those girls have. Miss Texas won!  

Annie, Jules and I should have been asked to be the judges; we had it all figured out.  Yup, busy night here in Cocktail Corner.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Bird Brain

Yesterday we had a 75 degree day.  When you live in the northeast, that means you go outside as much as possible, and turn your vole-like face up at the sky.

I began preparing for a day like today last week.  One of my income-tax-preparation-avoidance techniques involved visiting the Wild Bird Store.  I did some shopping.

Is it ironic that as my own nest empties, I am out finding more birds?

Don't you love this hummingbird feeder?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Mental Musings

There was this 'lady' at the nail salon yesterday who made the poor girl paint her nails FOUR different times because she didn't like the colors she was choosing.  As I was leaving, she was moaning and groaning to the owner that she wanted her polish removed. ~~~

I had a dream last night that my Baby Bird got into the college of her choice.  My kids are only juniors....  I'd better get used to these dreams.  At least they might take the place of all those annoying airplane dreams.

Lucia had a dream that she was babysitting Little Ricky while Lucy and Desi went out to dinner.  She also had to take care of their dog.  But she was too tipsy to get up off their sofa to let him out.  

My rental car smells like a mixture of banana vomit and Glass Plus.  Here I am hanging my head out to breathe some fresh air.  See how nice my manicure came out.

There is a painfully thin woman at my gym whom I call Grannyrexia.  She runs on the treadmill for about an hour and then takes boxing lessons for a half hour.  A strong wind would blow her over.

Is it really necessary to have a paper shredder?

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

More Food for Thought

Asthmagirl - Is My Cape Fluttering? has tagged me.  And it is a good one. If you don't visit her on a regular basis, you need to do yourself a favor and get on over there.  This is Letter Month on NaBloPoMo, and she has already written some doozies, and it is only the 9th!  Anyway, I have been blathering on and on for several months here at Mental Land about, well, everything, and I now realize there are some important things you don't know about me.  This meme is good because it is doable, even for my thought processes, and it is stuff you really need to know.  Six completely unimportant things about me:
  1. My perfect food: cheese
  2. Favorite colors: moss green and cold water-blue
  3. Hair: Honestly? I have no idea. Let's just say blond-ish, mkay?
  4. DVD I recently saw: Breakfast at Tiffany's
  5. Guilty TV pleasure: Men in Trees and Two and a half Men
  6. If I were a tree, I would be a(n): Magnolia grandiflora
By the way, this is not a magnolia.  It's a Kalanchoe.
And aren't we all glad it's not a carrot?

Now.  Who do I want to see some random stuff about?

Let's hear it girls.

By the way, I finally made Noble Pig's Banana Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip muffins.  And I am here to tell you all they are easy and the absolute best. Do yourself a favor and whip up a batch.  You won't be sorry.
Well, maybe you will when you have to go find your sweatpants.
But they are worth it.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

What the...

 This carrot-squid popped out of the bag yesterday.
I didn't know whether to be nauseated

Then Squazz came home,
 and he did this to it.

We generally don't play with food in our house.
But this was just too much fun.

Now I must get to my new letters over at Ask Mental Mama.  Drop me a line at mentalpmama(at)aol(dot)com and give me your random thoughts or queries. I'll to my best to come up with a witty yet profound solution to all your burning questions.  

UPDATE:  Lucia's cousin Miss J has sent another carrot for our viewing pleasure.  Their Aunt Tre grew this puppy.  Any more out there? Or is this enough for ya?