Hump Day Haiku

mama's latest scheme

to lose her pesky belly

plus some cardio

Hump Day Haiku

mama's new passion

has her wondering aloud

what could be better

Off Center?

Off center... Is it jet lag? Or is the the 15 pounds I brought home on my person from Italy? And while we're at it, those 15 pounds are on top of the extra 25 I took with me. But I shall tackle this tomorrow. I need to postpone anything taxing. And look for a job.

What is your day looking like?

Oh, and I have some shots of my eating and drinking frenzy trip to Italy on my Facebook Wall.

Aquarius Daily Horoscope

Today's Aquarius Horoscope from Cafe Astrology

September 13, 2010

You could be feeling a bit off-center now, which is temporary. Postpone important decisions or appointments until you are more sure of yourself and in touch with your feelings. Pluto, the ruler of your career sector, ends its retrograde period today, and you'll find that over the coming weeks, motivation for pushing forward in your career returns. Obstacles clear.

Creativity: Fair ~ Love: Fair ~ Business: Fair

Busted

Perri Meno-Pudge

At least we all wear the same size shoe....

Watch Out World

Aquarius - Mar. 8, 2010

Put your wisdom into action, Aquarius. There is no good in accumulating knowledge and then letting it sit, collecting dust like an old book on a shelf. Put your thoughts into motion and watch as magical things begin to manifest before your eyes. You have incredible opportunities today that only come when you’re expressing yourself in your truest form. Wear something outlandish to remind yourself and others what an outrageous person you are.

Get your scope

Outlandish? Do tight jeans count? Happy Monday.

Fashion Week Faux Pas

Oops.

At least she was wearing panties.

That makes a mama proud.

Aaaaand....

Do you think it was the shoes?

Or the low blood sugar?

Whatever the case, she sure handled it well.

photos

I'm Hungry

Today, we start a new health kick with some of our favorite bloggers.  If you want to join in, go visit Big Hair Envy, and figure out how you want to get in shape.  I am feeling sorta blah.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I am 40 pounds heavier than I was 2 years ago.  Maybe because I have a stupid skinny little doctor who won't give me any thyroid meds.  Maybe it's the bottle glass of wine I drink at night. Maybe it really is about portion control.  If you take the serving spoon and scoop stroganoff into your gullet mouth, does that count as calories?  What does it mean when your muffin top actually gets firm?  Too much lifting of the arms?  Bending of the elbows?

All I can tell you is this, if you are looking for my usual, charming self for the next ten days. --  Are you listening Squazz?  -- Stay away.  Because Mama is going on the Sonoma Diet.

It won't be pretty, but I hope to get started on this load little bit of weight I seem to have gained.  And I can have a glass of wine in 10 days.  I don't blame you if you stay away until then.  My kids may be looking for a home by tomorrow.

Thanks.

You Can't Call Us Losers

Nosirree.

We have diligently been watching our weight for over two months now.

That first week was wonderful. Glorious.

We got stars.

Since then, not so many stars have come our way.

We are still watching our weight; it mostly goes up.

Annie has an excuse because she is taking steroids for a bad case of poison ivy.

She also has a bum knee.

Me, I have no steroids to blame.

My knees are just fine.

At last night's weigh-in, I found out that I found 2 more pounds.

And that was without shoes, earrings, wedding rings, or underwear.

On an interesting note, however, we have become the class clowns.

Roseanne Barr better watch out.

Monday Meltdown

Just like some some of you out there in the blogosphere, I feel a need to keep things real here.  In that vein, I'm going to share the day I had yesterday.  Just to keep things real.  So here we go:

• Wake up with no voice.  Whatsoever.
• The combination of the party on Saturday, girls' drinking swimming party yesterday, and my dang asthma have rendered me unfit for any form of human contact.
• Immediately decide to linger in bed for a bit.
• Lie Giggle to husband when he calls from golf course and asks what I'm doing.  "Working."
• Drink lots of tea.
• Decide to remain in pj's.
• Eat egg whites.
• And twenty minutes later, a toasted bagel with butter. (Fiber One!)
• Actually sit at computer and blog work.  For a bit.
• Do some laundry.
• Go to kitchen, open fridge and eat about 4 cups of Cape Cod Chicken Salad from Costco.
• Feel very full for about 3 hours.
• And a little sick.
• Rest while watching Lifetime movie about bad neighbors.
• Make HUGE mistake and answer phone.  Annie.  She wants to go to Weight Watchers' meeting.
• Do more laundry.
• Giggle more when husband calls.  Sorry, Gloria.
• Take shower, shave legs--less weight.  Do not apply any lotion because of ounce factor: It might impact my weight.
• Go to Weight Watchers weigh-in.  Have officially gained 7, SEVEN, pounds since joining.
• Come home with Annie and drink some wine.
• Eat a small salad.
• Take diuretic.
• Finally put lotion on itchy legs.
  
• Good night peeps.

Baby Fat?

Whatever happened to baby fat?

Nicole Kidman had a baby two weeks ago.

This is her post-baby body.

Makes Helen look downright obese, no?

My children are almost 17 and I am still waiting for my pre-baby body.

Sigh.

(photo from here)

Sigh

This is Helen Mirren.  She's 63.

And in other news, I have discovered a third buttock.

Sigh.

Vicarious Mama

Since I ended this past weekend practically able to palpate my own liver, and barely squeezing into my sweats, I spent a great deal of time yesterday reading up on various cleanses and diets. It served as a way to restart my motivation for a healthier me, and I must tell you that I feel better already.

Dooce tweeted this ditty yesterday:  dooce The urge to grab a handful of chocolate Teddy Grahams is almost unbearable.  

As you may know by now, she is on the 21 day cleanse that Oprah did.  Here is the link to Oprah's blog about it...In case you don't want to read it, The short version is that she talks about how much she wants a glass of wine.  Bordeaux to be exact.  And Heather wants Teddy Grahams.  Since I am not a big fan of either Bordeaux or Teddy Grahams, I'm starting to think this may actually work for me.

My morning progressed, and as I sipped my lemony water, I read all about the virtues of  Zinc from Dr. Oz.  And also more of his thoughts on fiber.  He really loves all things fiber.  I really like Dr. Oz.

He and Oprah have educated me about many things--like the omentum.  I don't like my omentum.   

Or any other omentum for that matter. Here they are holding up some omenti.  Is that the plural of omentum?  I don't even like the thought of one of these suckers much less a plethora of them.  Don't you love the word plethora?  Annie waxed most eloquently about it yesterday.  You should pay her a visit.  The nice photo she used will help you get this picture out of your mind.  You don't want an omentum either on your belly or etched in your eyes.  Believe me.

I got on the treadmill and read my latest issue of Fitness.  Motivated, I enjoyed some poached salmon for lunch.  Followed by a grilled cheese.  I made a crustless one for the wounded Bird. Nobody should have to eat alone.

Then I read the entire 5 Factor website.  This is how the movie stars stay slim.  Supposedly.  I think my dog Dora incorporates this method in her particular regime.  Several meals each day.  Right Dora? This is Dora's face waiting for one of those small meals.

And below is her face after a mini meal.  Doesn't she look great?  Nary a double chin to be found. You know things are getting rough when you wish you looked more like the family dog....

And as I write this, I just noticed an email from the folks at the South Beach Diet.  Apparently I signed up for this daily newsletter they create.  I sat and read the whole thing, and I feel really fit now.

I may be doing more of this in the future.  

Monday Moosings

Dear Reader,

Mental Mama is busy getting her cardio out of the way this morning, so she asked us if we would like to bring you today's news moo's.  Bessie and I have decided to tell you all about this little health kick she's on.  It's for real, and as a result, the whole household is following along as well--whether they want to or not.  Mental Mama doesn't mess around. You can take that to the bank.

Anyway, among the changes that we have made in our diet, probably the biggest for us is that there is no more butter.  Well, there is, but we don't see much of it.  It's all about good oils here. We even dip our bread in olive oil instead of putting butter on it.  And you know what?  It's good!  Mental uses garlic and herbs, and sometimes she even buys flavored oil just for the  bread.  It's much better for our hearts, and we think our waistlines may be shrinking just a bit.

See...this one below is olive oil just for dipping the bread...you should see Augie and The Bird with this stuff.  They love it so much, that we were afraid we wouldn't even get a bite.  But we did.  Mental Mama made them share.  She's so good that way.  Mental Mama is a sweetie-pie. And she's so modest.  If she ever knew we were writing this stuff she would be so embarrassed.
Here is a quick peek in the fridge this morning.  Mental Mama loves to scramble egg whites with tomatoes and basil.  She eats this almost every day.  Also, see that pitcher?  It is filled with water and some lemon juice.  She drinks that stuff all day long.  Those cut veggies are the same story.  Any time someone opens the door, that's what they see, and they tend to eat that instead of junk.  She's pretty clever.  They don't even know what's going on.  
Another big change for us is that they don't eat any white flour in this house.  They even have this whole wheat loaf sometimes with dinner instead of french bread.  This is what we eat when we dip into that heavenly olive oil concoction.  We hate to admit it, but it may even be better than butter.  I cannot believe I am telling you this, but it is that good.
And the no-white-flour business extends to their pasta as well.  They only have whole wheat.  They have been doing this for a long time apparently, because the kids eat it without any kind of sass, and any time Mama makes some changes, those teenagers whine and moan about it. Even if it is good for them. Kids today, I tell ya!  Anyway, Bessie and I have decided that we really like it as well.  It has a lot of fiber and more protein, so we feel full and udderly content for a long time after we eat.  
I hear Mental talking about Dr. Oz all the time, and apparently he is the one who got her motivated and started on this renewed interest in healthy living. I also think she is doing these new things in increments because too much change would make everybody just throw up their hands and go have a big hot fudge sundae.  This way, we all get to feel a little bit better inside and out, and, I swear, Bessie's butt looks a little bit smaller to me.

Love, Fred

Mental Pounds

Anyone care to join me in a virtual weight loss group?  I have never been so glad to see the end of a holiday weekend arrive.  As I sit here in my stretchy pants this morning, I am remembering my calorie-laden adventures of the past few days.  These midlife pounds pile on faster than I ever imagined they would.  But I don't really help matters any.  I actually raced 30 little children to an ice cream truck yesterday.  I had a Klondike Crunch. It was really good.  And pizza for dinner on top of that.

I am probably 20 pounds heavier than I was 2 years ago.  I would like to lose those pounds, but would be happy with 10.  Anyone else out there care to join me?

Cougar Tale

My good friend Lucia had a date on Saturday night.  With a younger man.  It wasn't exactly a blind date, but she doesn't know this fellow very well, so it could be considered a blind date for my purposes here.  But I do digress.

Anyway, he shows up at the appointed time and she asks him in for a drink before they head out to dinner-- a way to break the ice.  She notes immediately that he has taken great pains to coif his hair.  A hairdo, if you will.  Kinda like Donald Trump.  Lucia's ex-husband had his hair done at a beauty parlor on their wedding day.  Anyway, she pours ol' Donald a glass of red wine, and they chitchat for a bit.  But he soon informs her that he is starving, so they must get to dinner immediately as he is on a strict feeding schedule.  He has had, maybe, a half-sip of his wine. 

When they are seated at the restaurant, Donald informs her that he is 38.  Lucia, a woman of a certain age--a beautiful woman, and a personal trainer with a body to match her career, informs him that she could be his mother. 

The evening progresses and Donald just yaps away: his beautiful wife (whom he wistfully compares to a "built" Pam Anderson) left him for a younger man, and Donald was left to reorganize his life.  He lists for Lucia, in minute detail, his caloric intake for the week, and painstakingly describes each exercise he performs.  As a result of all this fastidious care, Donald is very muscular, and I must add, not unattractive.  (How do I know this?  I just so happened to be at that particular restaurant....)  Hard boiled egg whites, oatmeal and boiled chicken.  That's pretty much what he eats.  Every day. When Lucia ordered an appetizer portion of wild mushroom ravioli, as her dinner, he almost fell over.  "You eat pasta?!?!" 

Oh, and another thing:  HE HAS HAD A HAIR TRANSPLANT AND HE TOLD HER ALL ABOUT IT.  AT DINNER.  They took it from his back, and he had to have stitches because so much was needed.  Way too much information, I know, but this is the truth folks.  He's thinking about doing it again, too.  Now, I saw this man, and I am all for hair transplants, or whatever anyone wants to do that makes them happy, but I really don't know where on his head he will possibly fit another big old swath of his lustrous back-hair.  I'm just saying.

Now on to my point of this little tale:  I have been bouncing around different types of blogs lately, and I absolutely love to read all the various perspectives.  What has been catching my attention of late in younger bloggers is the frequent use of the word "cougar" to describe a woman over the age of, say, 35.  And what really stands out is that these women are rarely portrayed in a positive light.  I would also like to add that most of the young authors of these posts have neither a real command of their language, nor the correct spelling of the most basic words.  You know the ones.  Every once in a while I comment, correct their spelling and grammar, and sign myself as "cougar mama."  I'm just so helpful like that.  And a little cranky. It's that whole estrogen thing.

So there, my friends, is the story of a cougar and her younger date, the ex-husband of a "built" Pam Anderson.  Just be thankful I didn't tell you about all the pictures he showed her of his truck.  I am not kidding. Oh, and he allowed himself one more sip of wine at dinner, but didn't want to have the whole glass because of the calorie content.  I think Donald might still be available.

More Good News...

I'd better figure out how to lose this menopot.  I'm off for my cardio activity of the day.

My receipt from last month.  A Big Mac and a small Diet Coke.  Then, I read this little ditty online... gives me "pause to think."

Bulging belly now could mean dementia later

Carrying a spare tire in your 40s may raise your risk of Alzheimer's

Getty Images stock The risk of dementia nearly doubled in people who are a healthy weight, but had a bulging waist, a study found.

                                 By Steve Mitchell

MSNBC contributor

People with a bulging waistline in mid-life could face a higher risk of dementia and Alzheimer’s in the senior years, a new study shows.

Previous research has shown that having an apple-shaped body increases the risk of diabetes, stroke and heart disease, but this is the first time it has been linked to dementia and Alzheimer’s.

In the study, which was published Wednesday by the journal Neurology, people who were both obese and had a large belly were three times more likely to be diagnosed with dementia in later years than those of normal weight and belly size. The risk of dementia nearly doubled in those who were a healthy weight but still had a bulging waist, suggesting that fat accumulated around the midline is particularly unhealthy for the brain.

~~~~

After reading this yesterday, I immediately went on Dr. Oz's 9 pounds of fruit and raw vegetable fiber cure.  I think I have fiber-poisoning.  Will be back later.  Maybe.

Apologies to William Blake (and Keats)

Ode to My Menopot

Belly, belly in broad daylight.

In my jeans oh so tight.

Who dare defy thy gravity?

My butt, my thighs, my abs and me.

The above gals are not anyone I know. Unfortunately. They seem like they might be a fun addition to Cocktail Corner.

Self Explanatory

My new personal logo and apology for everything naughty I've ever done or will do. The end.

Weight Loss Gimmick # 1,670,396

This concoction is called Sassy Water. Cucumber and lemon slices, spearmint leaves and fresh grated ginger. You mix it all with water and let it marinate overnight. Then you drink it and waste away to nothing. Or maybe, just maybe be able to zip up fat jeans.

I'm wondering what it would taste like with a little rum.

P is also for Perspective

I made another alarming yet somehow comforting discovery this week. When your belly gets bigger? It makes your hips and thighs seem just a little bit smaller. Perspective, yeah baby. Got it.